Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
mmm onion ringos
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.