*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*
dog *hands me a beer*
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*
[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
This is a whole mood;
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
we all know this pain all too well
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.