Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.