[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.