[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
ACED my prostate exam!
even bears disappoint their mothers
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”