Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*inflates emergency mustache*
Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.