[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
This pepper has seen some shit
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!