@TeaAndCopy [Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
@Spaziotwat [Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
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@TeaAndCopy 
@causticbob Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
@HomeWithPeanut My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
@dril glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
@ArfMeasures DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
@jimmytorosian I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
@globetrottgirl Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
@FreshClemonade Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
@FullofFrap This pepper has seen some shit
@QwertyJones3 Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)