@Spaziotwat

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

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@weinerdog4life

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

@MrDelFreaky

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

@stephenjmolloy

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

@DanielJHannan

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

@ThRealBallsDeep

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

@iwearaonesie

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how