[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
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“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?