[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.