[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”