last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
constantly working on myself.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread