Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
incredible text to wake up to
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Krampus.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.