Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
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The first one, obviously
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it