Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
the icebreaker
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.