Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
You Might Also Like
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight