Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
this is the best interaction on twitter
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
buying dead houseplants to save time
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.