Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
You Might Also Like
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*seductively eats two tums*
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
oppen heimer style lol
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out