Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Tuesday
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop