Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?