Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
#dnd #ttrpg
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear