Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”