Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself