Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“I’m helping” 😅
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…