Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Okey dokey.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives