[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE