Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
choose your gary
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no