Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Ummm
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.