Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.


Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.


I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.


Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.


I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.


I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants


Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby


[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready


My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.