Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?