Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.