Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
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Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Ugh but profoundly
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.