Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
#StillHurts
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.