latin students necrophiliacs
馃
enjoying a dead tongue
You Might Also Like
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they鈥檙e going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I鈥檓 beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you鈥檇 bring to our company?
ME: i鈥檓 straight up goated. i鈥檓 efficiencymaxxing. i鈥檓 taskpilled. i鈥檓 in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we鈥檝e heard enough
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
#parenting
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter鈥檚 bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
He鈥檚 mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I don鈥檛 know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children鈥檚 houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they鈥檝e left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: why aren鈥檛 you studying?
My kid: I didn鈥檛 see you coming.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Ain鈥檛 no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.