“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Seek kebab; not attention
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.