Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”