Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Bill is short for Billiam
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The Assassin.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.