Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.