*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
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Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.