*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too