Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Plant care tips
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
the world’s most popular steaming services
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight