Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Actually cracking up @ this
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?