*launders Kohls cash*
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.