laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*