Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further