Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
english majors be like furthermore
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.