Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”
To which I replied: “a camera.”
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.