@DeanB15 Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
@AlexvanBeek Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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@DeanB15 
@TheBoydP Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
@samalmightysam I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
@Chay4Raghu Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
@HatfieldAnne I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
@dumbbeezie Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
@ristolable First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
@Tmoney68 Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
@TheRolo *Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
@CindyNoPants Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.