Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Stonehinge
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice