law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.