law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
me
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
This is the one
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
That de-escalated quickly
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)