Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Thrilling chase underway
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Waiting for the Charmin
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.