Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

the clam before the storm

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.