Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.