lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
This sounds bad:
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.